I don't really know what to say right now...
I am scared of what might be.
The future is soooo unknown to me.
I don't know where I will be a year from now.
I could be fine, things could back to normal and I could be able to drive again (Yippee!)
Or I could be changed, I could be disabled, I could be dead.
Last night Kristin and I were watching the 25th anniversary of Les Miserables (thanks Jocinda!!) and there is a scene where Cosette's mother (Fantine) dies, and in this particular version of the concert (like a musical except without all of the acting and scene changes, and with more standing in costume and singing into microphones) when Fantine dies she turns and walks slowly toward the back of the stage. Cosette walks forward and Fantine watches Cosette walking forward with tears in her eyes. As they pass, Fantine reaches for Cosette and begins to cry.
It was at this moment that I lost it. I started thinking of what would happen if I don't come out of this surgery. If God takes me home. If I never get to see my children's faces light up when I come home from work or a class, if I never get to hear them laugh and play and cry for mommy and beg me for a good night hug and kiss just so that they can stay awake for an extra minute. I am so afraid of what might be that I think I may be missing what is NOW.
I don't want to miss the small moments that God places in my life to show His presence and His leading hands. Like seeing my children when they wake up all rumpled and smiley. Like listening to Jame and Kosette try to one up each other by telling the next and longest knock-knock potty joke. Like seeing Kassidee begin to smile and coo. Like laughing until I cry at the silly little things that Krisitn and I laugh at late at night. Like getting and giving hugs to the friends and family that I love.
So I think that I will try to focus on those little things that God gives me to show His love and I won't focus on the what-ifs. Besides, God knows what He is doing, He knows the plans He has for me.
That is all...
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Friday, December 17, 2010
Did you ever have a touch to lose - Inhale Exhale
"I swear I've done this before
Oh so familiar is this mess that I'm in.
I once knew.
Now memories escape and people meet their fate.
This says the man walking out on his wife: "And now the whole world knows."
This says the kid with the rope around his neck: "And now they all will know."
And can't you see that there's still hope, and don't you drown in what the world has told you...
Now I know that I've been here before.
It's the feeling of defeat when it finally sinks in.
I feel so desperate.
The barrier is so thick.
Can I get through to you?
"Will I ever learn from this second chance?" says the man who was dropping his pants.
"Do I really deserve to live?" says that kid who was slitting his wrists.
And can't you see that there is still hope, and don't you drown in what the world has told you...
I once saw.
But now I am exhausted from this mess, from this mess."
Oh so familiar is this mess that I'm in.
I once knew.
Now memories escape and people meet their fate.
This says the man walking out on his wife: "And now the whole world knows."
This says the kid with the rope around his neck: "And now they all will know."
And can't you see that there's still hope, and don't you drown in what the world has told you...
Now I know that I've been here before.
It's the feeling of defeat when it finally sinks in.
I feel so desperate.
The barrier is so thick.
Can I get through to you?
"Will I ever learn from this second chance?" says the man who was dropping his pants.
"Do I really deserve to live?" says that kid who was slitting his wrists.
And can't you see that there is still hope, and don't you drown in what the world has told you...
I once saw.
But now I am exhausted from this mess, from this mess."
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
One more thing...
I just wanted to ammend the previous post...I totally love most of my professors, and most of the faculty and staff here are great. They are friendly and helpful to me!
I guess that is all, I just wanted to make sure that everyone who has read my previous post and any JBC faculty/staff that may be reading understand that I respect and appreciate the staff and faculty here at JBC.
That is all.
I guess that is all, I just wanted to make sure that everyone who has read my previous post and any JBC faculty/staff that may be reading understand that I respect and appreciate the staff and faculty here at JBC.
That is all.
Well I thought...
I thought that as Christ Followers we were supposed to have some compassion.
I thought that we were supposed to be the people who hold each other up when times are tough.
Don't worry, I am not talking about you! All of our friends have been wonderful...and we love you all. You have shown amazing amounts of compassion and you have been great at holding us up these past few months.
I am referring to the faculty of this school. I appealed the faculty and staff to show me some grace regarding my absences and was sure that because of all that has gone on I would be okay. However, I just got the results back and their ruling was that my appeal was "Partially approved". They did not see how my seizure activity and all of my Dr's appointments were reason enough for the excess absences I have had in one of my classes.
The two classes that I have missed the most are on Tuesdays and Thursdays. These are the days that most of my Dr visits have been scheduled on for some strange reason. So these classes have been missed the most. The later of the two classes was missed more, many times I will have either seizures or symptoms of coming seizures later in the day and would go home early or not attend that class. So they decided that I would not be excused in this class and would receive a grade of WX (this means that I have been withdrawn from the class and will receive a grade of F...with one week left in the semester!). The wording on their letter was as follows: "Overall, the faculty members were disappointed in the number of unexplained personal absences."
Well...that is just dandy.
I don't know what else to say...I guess I will just take the class again or take some other Bible elective in the future.
That is all for now.
I thought that we were supposed to be the people who hold each other up when times are tough.
Don't worry, I am not talking about you! All of our friends have been wonderful...and we love you all. You have shown amazing amounts of compassion and you have been great at holding us up these past few months.
I am referring to the faculty of this school. I appealed the faculty and staff to show me some grace regarding my absences and was sure that because of all that has gone on I would be okay. However, I just got the results back and their ruling was that my appeal was "Partially approved". They did not see how my seizure activity and all of my Dr's appointments were reason enough for the excess absences I have had in one of my classes.
The two classes that I have missed the most are on Tuesdays and Thursdays. These are the days that most of my Dr visits have been scheduled on for some strange reason. So these classes have been missed the most. The later of the two classes was missed more, many times I will have either seizures or symptoms of coming seizures later in the day and would go home early or not attend that class. So they decided that I would not be excused in this class and would receive a grade of WX (this means that I have been withdrawn from the class and will receive a grade of F...with one week left in the semester!). The wording on their letter was as follows: "Overall, the faculty members were disappointed in the number of unexplained personal absences."
Well...that is just dandy.
I don't know what else to say...I guess I will just take the class again or take some other Bible elective in the future.
That is all for now.
Friday, November 26, 2010
While at home...
...I have been sooo blessed!!
Kristin and I are having so much fun with our families.
We have been able to relax and we have been able to eat a TON of good food.
We had a great thanksgiving day with Kristin's family down near Lancaster.
And we are looking forward to a thanksgiving celebration all day tomorrow with my family!
Looking forward to getting back to TN so we can figure out when we are going to have these diagnostic tests done with our nurologist...
That is all for now.
Kristin and I are having so much fun with our families.
We have been able to relax and we have been able to eat a TON of good food.
We had a great thanksgiving day with Kristin's family down near Lancaster.
And we are looking forward to a thanksgiving celebration all day tomorrow with my family!
Looking forward to getting back to TN so we can figure out when we are going to have these diagnostic tests done with our nurologist...
That is all for now.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Be Thankful
Ok, so I could get on here and write a huge entry about the contractions that I had that came every 3 minutes and how i tried to combat them by staying hydrated and walking around...or how later i worried when the activity in my belly wasn't up to par with what I've come to expect...i could tell you about how we pulled into Sheetz and a car ran right into us and then sped away, and how we waited for the very nice police officers and got an hour break at Sheetz and had some Sheetz food and some Sheetz coffee (coffee that I knew would upset my stomach later...but for the time that i was sipping it...was so good I didn't even care)
I could write a whole lot about all of that, but i'm not going to.
TODAY, i am just so happy to be where we are, to "come home"...in the past 2 and 1/2 years, JBC has become our home, we feel so comfortable when we are just home on Old Orchard court, we've made some awesome friendships, people that we can sit and laugh with, people we can cry with, people who have gone out of their way to help us, people who we would do whatever we could for. (remember that, if you need something, don't hesitate to ask, if we can help, we will). We love our TN family.
But do you know that place that you go to, that no matter how long you've been away, it's home the moment you arrive...that's where we are. Driving down the roads, it's like we've never left. Of course things have changed since the last time we were here,...new things in the area...children have grown, and every single person that we come across has had something new in their lives since we last saw them. Change is a part of life, but even in the midst of these changes, the love is the same.
I am so looking forward to tonight, when we get to see more of our NIC family....when we reflect on Thankfulness and we get to experience love and thankfulness in such a great way.
I've noticed on Facebook that many people have been reflecting on thankfulness each day of November, while we have things to be extremely thankful for, we haven't always written about each and every thing.
What am I thankful for?
-I am thankful to my GOD who has provided for each and every moment, through each struggle, through each joy, through every need, through the moments that we see our needs and the moments when they are unnoticed by us.
-I am thankful that my husband is here with us, and that he is a hard worker, with a desire to provide for his family. I am thankful that he loves our children so much and he invests his time and energy in them. I am thankful that he loves me and that he strives to show me that love. I am thankful that my hubby can cook, and he chooses to do so from time to time as well as other things to give me a break.
-I am thankful for the family that I was born into, for the foundation that was created in my life, for each personality, for my parents who love me so much and have a desire to care for me even now as I am a married woman with children, for my cool older brother who chose times in our growing up to make me feel special from time to time in simple things like buying me a CD (my first "cool" music) for my birthday, allowing me to hang out with his friends, talking to me when we were alone in the car...and then even inviting me out to some of his college stuff, coming to hang out with me at my college...I am thankful for my little brother who has such a nature of being the protector, who might fight with me...but would fight for me without a second thought. i am thankful for both of my brothers and my father who were the men in my life and helped me to establish ideas of what to look for in a significant other. I am thankful for my mom who has been a hero to me, she is a great mom and a great noni!
-i am thankful for the family that I married into, for the foundation that was laid for my husband. For his parents who love him, and love us so much. For his Sister who cares so deeply for her family, and for his brother who has always been his best friend. I am thankful for the relationship that we have, and the ability to talk to them about the things of life and trust that they will continue to love me despite what I say :-) and to know that when we go to them for wisdom, they will be honest, and give us the counsel that we need.
-I am thankful for the family that is the Church, whether it's in Tennessee or Pennsylvania, the love of Christ that is shown through the church is amazing. We have received so many blessings through the love of Christ that our church families have extended to us. Even receiving notes of encouragement and prayer from people we've never met, but who have heard of us and our situation.
-I am thankful for my sister-in-laws. Having never had a sister growing up, to now have 4 is awesome. Wish that i could spend more time with each of them, but SO thankful each of them. I'm thankful for the SILs who have married my brothers (and BIL) and who bring joy and balance and love to their lives......
-I am also thankful for the brother-in-law who is about to join the family, I am thankful for the joy that he's brought to Jocie's life and how God has worked in both of their lives to bring them together. I am thankful for what we expect in their lives :-)
-I am thankful for my children. I am thankful for how God has used each of them in my life to point me toward him. i am thankful that they are healthy, and that they are so full of life! I am so thankful for getting to see them grow and how with each stage of life I can just sit and watch them for hours, how they make me laugh, and how they make me cry (mostly of pure joy) I am thankful for how I learn about my own nature and how I am convicted as I discipline them. I am thankful for each laugh, for each tear, for each joy, and for each teaching opportunity.
-i am thankful for my unborn baby, for being so close to delivery and meeting her, for each bump and hiccup that reassures me that she's healthly.
-I am thankful for having a roof over my head, food on my table, clothing my back, and that even beyond that, I have a washing and drying maching, a vehicle, the luxery of a couch and t.v. a computer. I receive medical care when I need it...I am so blessed.
-i am thankful for the time that we have to soak in family time
-i am thankful even beyond all of this....there is just so much to be thankful for, I am thankful that even if we don't take the time realize all that we have to be thankful for...there is a time of year when we are reminded that we need to reflect on these things.
I could write a whole lot about all of that, but i'm not going to.
TODAY, i am just so happy to be where we are, to "come home"...in the past 2 and 1/2 years, JBC has become our home, we feel so comfortable when we are just home on Old Orchard court, we've made some awesome friendships, people that we can sit and laugh with, people we can cry with, people who have gone out of their way to help us, people who we would do whatever we could for. (remember that, if you need something, don't hesitate to ask, if we can help, we will). We love our TN family.
But do you know that place that you go to, that no matter how long you've been away, it's home the moment you arrive...that's where we are. Driving down the roads, it's like we've never left. Of course things have changed since the last time we were here,...new things in the area...children have grown, and every single person that we come across has had something new in their lives since we last saw them. Change is a part of life, but even in the midst of these changes, the love is the same.
I am so looking forward to tonight, when we get to see more of our NIC family....when we reflect on Thankfulness and we get to experience love and thankfulness in such a great way.
I've noticed on Facebook that many people have been reflecting on thankfulness each day of November, while we have things to be extremely thankful for, we haven't always written about each and every thing.
What am I thankful for?
-I am thankful to my GOD who has provided for each and every moment, through each struggle, through each joy, through every need, through the moments that we see our needs and the moments when they are unnoticed by us.
-I am thankful that my husband is here with us, and that he is a hard worker, with a desire to provide for his family. I am thankful that he loves our children so much and he invests his time and energy in them. I am thankful that he loves me and that he strives to show me that love. I am thankful that my hubby can cook, and he chooses to do so from time to time as well as other things to give me a break.
-I am thankful for the family that I was born into, for the foundation that was created in my life, for each personality, for my parents who love me so much and have a desire to care for me even now as I am a married woman with children, for my cool older brother who chose times in our growing up to make me feel special from time to time in simple things like buying me a CD (my first "cool" music) for my birthday, allowing me to hang out with his friends, talking to me when we were alone in the car...and then even inviting me out to some of his college stuff, coming to hang out with me at my college...I am thankful for my little brother who has such a nature of being the protector, who might fight with me...but would fight for me without a second thought. i am thankful for both of my brothers and my father who were the men in my life and helped me to establish ideas of what to look for in a significant other. I am thankful for my mom who has been a hero to me, she is a great mom and a great noni!
-i am thankful for the family that I married into, for the foundation that was laid for my husband. For his parents who love him, and love us so much. For his Sister who cares so deeply for her family, and for his brother who has always been his best friend. I am thankful for the relationship that we have, and the ability to talk to them about the things of life and trust that they will continue to love me despite what I say :-) and to know that when we go to them for wisdom, they will be honest, and give us the counsel that we need.
-I am thankful for the family that is the Church, whether it's in Tennessee or Pennsylvania, the love of Christ that is shown through the church is amazing. We have received so many blessings through the love of Christ that our church families have extended to us. Even receiving notes of encouragement and prayer from people we've never met, but who have heard of us and our situation.
-I am thankful for my sister-in-laws. Having never had a sister growing up, to now have 4 is awesome. Wish that i could spend more time with each of them, but SO thankful each of them. I'm thankful for the SILs who have married my brothers (and BIL) and who bring joy and balance and love to their lives......
-I am also thankful for the brother-in-law who is about to join the family, I am thankful for the joy that he's brought to Jocie's life and how God has worked in both of their lives to bring them together. I am thankful for what we expect in their lives :-)
-I am thankful for my children. I am thankful for how God has used each of them in my life to point me toward him. i am thankful that they are healthy, and that they are so full of life! I am so thankful for getting to see them grow and how with each stage of life I can just sit and watch them for hours, how they make me laugh, and how they make me cry (mostly of pure joy) I am thankful for how I learn about my own nature and how I am convicted as I discipline them. I am thankful for each laugh, for each tear, for each joy, and for each teaching opportunity.
-i am thankful for my unborn baby, for being so close to delivery and meeting her, for each bump and hiccup that reassures me that she's healthly.
-I am thankful for having a roof over my head, food on my table, clothing my back, and that even beyond that, I have a washing and drying maching, a vehicle, the luxery of a couch and t.v. a computer. I receive medical care when I need it...I am so blessed.
-i am thankful for the time that we have to soak in family time
-i am thankful even beyond all of this....there is just so much to be thankful for, I am thankful that even if we don't take the time realize all that we have to be thankful for...there is a time of year when we are reminded that we need to reflect on these things.
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