Words for Today

I am ready to write again.
I sit here, wanting to take everything that is inside of me and spill it onto the keyboard so that it fills up this page.  But I don't know what will come.  I don't know where my thoughts will take me tonight.
Tonight as I remember my husband, whom I miss, but I celebrate that he has entered eternity with our risen Lord.  Tonight, as I sit and reflect on the past, he sits at the throne singing praises to our God. 
I will join him, I will lift up my voice.  I will place my hope and trust in the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.  My faith is nothing.  My strength...is nothing.  It means nothing if the divine did not come to earth and take on human flesh.  It means nothing if he didn't offer himself up as the perfect atoning sacrifice. 
My faith is nothing, but a gift from God.  It is weak and shaky, only held firm by His faithfulness.
I do not grieve as others grieve.  I trust that my love is living a fuller life than I am at this moment.
I also trust God.  I do not trust Him because of my strength...I trust Him because of His, and His goodness, and His mercy. 
I trust His promise to me in Jeremiah 29:11, that He has plans for me, He offers me hope and a future.  And I must remember verses 12 and 13 as well, I need to continually seek His face.  I get distracted, but He welcomes me back, and when I seek Him, He meets me.


(sigh)  What a blessing to fear the Lord.


What is to come for me?  I want to know.  I want to see the path before it is revealed.  But what I'm learning is to trust God right now.  Trust Him with this day. 

Hot days and great nights!

Kristin and I have had the great pleasure of being able to hang out with some amazing friends lately. We have little "camp fires" and we all sit outside around the fire until 2 or 3 in the morning. We talk about funny stuff and heavy stuff and silly stuff and serious stuff. We laugh and sometimes we cry (well...some of us do). I can't believe how close our friendships have gotten in such a short time. I can honestly say that the friends we have here in TN are my family. If all of this wasn't happening, if we didn't have to leave, I think that we would all get SO close, and don't get me wrong I think that we will still get close, but it will be harder to keep our friendships so strong over such a great distance.
I can't wait to be back home around Kristin's family and my family, but I may be crying the whole way home because of all of the good byes that we will have to say.
This sucks.

Today I am praying that I can make friendships last, and that those I love would know how much I love them.

Almost there!

TODAY I AM HALF WAY THROUGH RADIATION TREATMENTS!!!!

I just thought you would all like to know that!

What I am going to say now is going to sound strange to some of you, especially those of you who know me well...okay, so here it is:
I can't wait until my chemo is done for a while so I can eat breakfast!
Those of you who know me will know that I don't eat breakfast normally, but not being able to eat anything in the mornings makes me really hungry when I wake up for some reason...don't ask me why, I just wish I could eat a pop tart or something!

Well, that is all for now.
I pray that you all have a wonderful day!

Today I am praying that I have more time to show my wife how much I love her.

My head hurts!

I really don't like having brain cancer.
Kristin and are just praying that God will choose to take this away, but if He doesn't we are willing to accept what HE has planned for our lives.

Long day today: To radiation in Knoxville, to postop checkup in Nashville, to home again and now to bed.

Tonight I am wishing that I would have more time to watch my children grow.

Kristin's Post

today was a good day, did something special with the kids. We all went to the science center and saw a show at the planetarium. The kids thoroughly enjoyed all of the play and learning. I love my kids so much. I really missed them the past few days, this is the most that I've been away from them. They are staying in a different location with my parents, it's nice to have all of this time with Josh without the "distraction" that caring for the kids can be. That sounds so wrong to say that. i love my children, and when I see them I want to hold each of them and kiss their cheeks and spend one on one time with each of them. Maybe I will get to do that sometime soon. I missed them and continue to miss them. They are definately enjoying having their grandparents here. and even so they are extremely tired from being off their normal routine. Just 2 more days until the day of the surgery. I haven't let my mind wander to those thoughts that scare me, not very much at least...but when those things do come to mind it feels like a stabbing in my chest. Sorry this is kristins post, I didn't know i was on Josh's blog

Thoughts

I don't really know what to say right now...
I am scared of what might be.
The future is soooo unknown to me.
I don't know where I will be a year from now.
I could be fine, things could back to normal and I could be able to drive again (Yippee!)
Or I could be changed, I could be disabled, I could be dead.
Last night Kristin and I were watching the 25th anniversary of Les Miserables (thanks Jocinda!!) and there is a scene where Cosette's mother (Fantine) dies, and in this particular version of the concert (like a musical except without all of the acting and scene changes, and with more standing in costume and singing into microphones) when Fantine dies she turns and walks slowly toward the back of the stage. Cosette walks forward and Fantine watches Cosette walking forward with tears in her eyes. As they pass, Fantine reaches for Cosette and begins to cry.
It was at this moment that I lost it. I started thinking of what would happen if I don't come out of this surgery. If God takes me home. If I never get to see my children's faces light up when I come home from work or a class, if I never get to hear them laugh and play and cry for mommy and beg me for a good night hug and kiss just so that they can stay awake for an extra minute. I am so afraid of what might be that I think I may be missing what is NOW.
I don't want to miss the small moments that God places in my life to show His presence and His leading hands. Like seeing my children when they wake up all rumpled and smiley. Like listening to Jame and Kosette try to one up each other by telling the next and longest knock-knock potty joke. Like seeing Kassidee begin to smile and coo. Like laughing until I cry at the silly little things that Krisitn and I laugh at late at night. Like getting and giving hugs to the friends and family that I love.
So I think that I will try to focus on those little things that God gives me to show His love and I won't focus on the what-ifs. Besides, God knows what He is doing, He knows the plans He has for me.
That is all...

Did you ever have a touch to lose - Inhale Exhale

"I swear I've done this before
Oh so familiar is this mess that I'm in.
I once knew.
Now memories escape and people meet their fate.
This says the man walking out on his wife: "And now the whole world knows."
This says the kid with the rope around his neck: "And now they all will know."
And can't you see that there's still hope, and don't you drown in what the world has told you...
Now I know that I've been here before.
It's the feeling of defeat when it finally sinks in.
I feel so desperate.
The barrier is so thick.
Can I get through to you?
"Will I ever learn from this second chance?" says the man who was dropping his pants.
"Do I really deserve to live?" says that kid who was slitting his wrists.
And can't you see that there is still hope, and don't you drown in what the world has told you...
I once saw.
But now I am exhausted from this mess, from this mess."