Kristin's Post

today was a good day, did something special with the kids. We all went to the science center and saw a show at the planetarium. The kids thoroughly enjoyed all of the play and learning. I love my kids so much. I really missed them the past few days, this is the most that I've been away from them. They are staying in a different location with my parents, it's nice to have all of this time with Josh without the "distraction" that caring for the kids can be. That sounds so wrong to say that. i love my children, and when I see them I want to hold each of them and kiss their cheeks and spend one on one time with each of them. Maybe I will get to do that sometime soon. I missed them and continue to miss them. They are definately enjoying having their grandparents here. and even so they are extremely tired from being off their normal routine. Just 2 more days until the day of the surgery. I haven't let my mind wander to those thoughts that scare me, not very much at least...but when those things do come to mind it feels like a stabbing in my chest. Sorry this is kristins post, I didn't know i was on Josh's blog

Thoughts

I don't really know what to say right now...
I am scared of what might be.
The future is soooo unknown to me.
I don't know where I will be a year from now.
I could be fine, things could back to normal and I could be able to drive again (Yippee!)
Or I could be changed, I could be disabled, I could be dead.
Last night Kristin and I were watching the 25th anniversary of Les Miserables (thanks Jocinda!!) and there is a scene where Cosette's mother (Fantine) dies, and in this particular version of the concert (like a musical except without all of the acting and scene changes, and with more standing in costume and singing into microphones) when Fantine dies she turns and walks slowly toward the back of the stage. Cosette walks forward and Fantine watches Cosette walking forward with tears in her eyes. As they pass, Fantine reaches for Cosette and begins to cry.
It was at this moment that I lost it. I started thinking of what would happen if I don't come out of this surgery. If God takes me home. If I never get to see my children's faces light up when I come home from work or a class, if I never get to hear them laugh and play and cry for mommy and beg me for a good night hug and kiss just so that they can stay awake for an extra minute. I am so afraid of what might be that I think I may be missing what is NOW.
I don't want to miss the small moments that God places in my life to show His presence and His leading hands. Like seeing my children when they wake up all rumpled and smiley. Like listening to Jame and Kosette try to one up each other by telling the next and longest knock-knock potty joke. Like seeing Kassidee begin to smile and coo. Like laughing until I cry at the silly little things that Krisitn and I laugh at late at night. Like getting and giving hugs to the friends and family that I love.
So I think that I will try to focus on those little things that God gives me to show His love and I won't focus on the what-ifs. Besides, God knows what He is doing, He knows the plans He has for me.
That is all...

Did you ever have a touch to lose - Inhale Exhale

"I swear I've done this before
Oh so familiar is this mess that I'm in.
I once knew.
Now memories escape and people meet their fate.
This says the man walking out on his wife: "And now the whole world knows."
This says the kid with the rope around his neck: "And now they all will know."
And can't you see that there's still hope, and don't you drown in what the world has told you...
Now I know that I've been here before.
It's the feeling of defeat when it finally sinks in.
I feel so desperate.
The barrier is so thick.
Can I get through to you?
"Will I ever learn from this second chance?" says the man who was dropping his pants.
"Do I really deserve to live?" says that kid who was slitting his wrists.
And can't you see that there is still hope, and don't you drown in what the world has told you...
I once saw.
But now I am exhausted from this mess, from this mess."

bla

just wanted yo put something new on here.
finals done.

One more thing...

I just wanted to ammend the previous post...I totally love most of my professors, and most of the faculty and staff here are great. They are friendly and helpful to me!
I guess that is all, I just wanted to make sure that everyone who has read my previous post and any JBC faculty/staff that may be reading understand that I respect and appreciate the staff and faculty here at JBC.
That is all.

Well I thought...

I thought that as Christ Followers we were supposed to have some compassion.
I thought that we were supposed to be the people who hold each other up when times are tough.

Don't worry, I am not talking about you! All of our friends have been wonderful...and we love you all. You have shown amazing amounts of compassion and you have been great at holding us up these past few months.

I am referring to the faculty of this school. I appealed the faculty and staff to show me some grace regarding my absences and was sure that because of all that has gone on I would be okay. However, I just got the results back and their ruling was that my appeal was "Partially approved". They did not see how my seizure activity and all of my Dr's appointments were reason enough for the excess absences I have had in one of my classes.

The two classes that I have missed the most are on Tuesdays and Thursdays. These are the days that most of my Dr visits have been scheduled on for some strange reason. So these classes have been missed the most. The later of the two classes was missed more, many times I will have either seizures or symptoms of coming seizures later in the day and would go home early or not attend that class. So they decided that I would not be excused in this class and would receive a grade of WX (this means that I have been withdrawn from the class and will receive a grade of F...with one week left in the semester!). The wording on their letter was as follows: "Overall, the faculty members were disappointed in the number of unexplained personal absences."
Well...that is just dandy.

I don't know what else to say...I guess I will just take the class again or take some other Bible elective in the future.
That is all for now.

While at home...

...I have been sooo blessed!!
Kristin and I are having so much fun with our families.
We have been able to relax and we have been able to eat a TON of good food.
We had a great thanksgiving day with Kristin's family down near Lancaster.
And we are looking forward to a thanksgiving celebration all day tomorrow with my family!

Looking forward to getting back to TN so we can figure out when we are going to have these diagnostic tests done with our nurologist...

That is all for now.