I don't really know what to say right now...
I am scared of what might be.
The future is soooo unknown to me.
I don't know where I will be a year from now.
I could be fine, things could back to normal and I could be able to drive again (Yippee!)
Or I could be changed, I could be disabled, I could be dead.
Last night Kristin and I were watching the 25th anniversary of Les Miserables (thanks Jocinda!!) and there is a scene where Cosette's mother (Fantine) dies, and in this particular version of the concert (like a musical except without all of the acting and scene changes, and with more standing in costume and singing into microphones) when Fantine dies she turns and walks slowly toward the back of the stage. Cosette walks forward and Fantine watches Cosette walking forward with tears in her eyes. As they pass, Fantine reaches for Cosette and begins to cry.
It was at this moment that I lost it. I started thinking of what would happen if I don't come out of this surgery. If God takes me home. If I never get to see my children's faces light up when I come home from work or a class, if I never get to hear them laugh and play and cry for mommy and beg me for a good night hug and kiss just so that they can stay awake for an extra minute. I am so afraid of what might be that I think I may be missing what is NOW.
I don't want to miss the small moments that God places in my life to show His presence and His leading hands. Like seeing my children when they wake up all rumpled and smiley. Like listening to Jame and Kosette try to one up each other by telling the next and longest knock-knock potty joke. Like seeing Kassidee begin to smile and coo. Like laughing until I cry at the silly little things that Krisitn and I laugh at late at night. Like getting and giving hugs to the friends and family that I love.
So I think that I will try to focus on those little things that God gives me to show His love and I won't focus on the what-ifs. Besides, God knows what He is doing, He knows the plans He has for me.
That is all...
